fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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