Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
