When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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