I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
