Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
