god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
