I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
