On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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