Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize