I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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