what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
