For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
