Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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