Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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