...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
