If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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