Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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