Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
