I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
