I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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