Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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