I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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