even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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