she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
