Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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