just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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