I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
