soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
