not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
