I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
