is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I want is dick and wine.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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