he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You may now shotgun with the bride
In other news, I just burned my penis
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
