I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
