our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize