I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
