As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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