I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
