Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
