I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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