where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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