so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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