I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
