I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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