I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
