Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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