My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
