We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
