I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
