Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
