i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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