All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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