If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
