I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
