i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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