i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
