God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
