i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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