You smell like stripper and shame
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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