I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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