do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
