Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
