He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize