he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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