Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
