sarcasm needs its own font
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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