Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
