just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
