I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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