I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
