Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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