u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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