i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
