I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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