Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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